Meeting Your Inner Critic

This post is the first in a short series exploring the inner critic – that often harsh inner voice that can shape how we see ourselves and relate to others. Over the next few months, we’ll look at how to understand this part of ourselves, how to respond to it with compassion, and how therapy can support that process.

What Is the Inner Critic?

Most of us have an internal voice that offers commentary on what we do. Sometimes it’s helpful – reminding us to be considerate, to prepare, or to reflect. But for many people, that voice can become harsh, relentless, or shaming.
It says things like:

“You should have done better.”
“You always mess things up.”
“They’re going to think you’re useless.”

When this voice dominates, it can leave us anxious, drained, or full of self-doubt. We might second-guess ourselves in relationships, at work, or even in moments that should feel joyful.

Where Does the Inner Critic Come From?

The inner critic usually isn’t born out of malice – it often forms as a kind of protector.
Many of us develop this internal voice early in life, learning to be self-critical as a way to stay safe, to please others, or to avoid disappointment.

For example:

• A child who’s scolded for mistakes might learn to criticise themselves first – to “beat others to it.”

• Someone who grew up with high expectations may internalise a perfectionist voice that pushes them relentlessly.

• Sometimes it’s not about what was said to us, but what we concluded as children from how adults behaved. A parent who was distant, preoccupied, or unpredictable might leave a child thinking, “I must be unloveable,” or “If I were different, they’d stay.”

Even if those conclusions were never spoken aloud, they can take root and shape how we treat ourselves later in life.

In adulthood, that same voice can echo old fears or family patterns, even when they no longer serve us.
Understanding this origin is key. The inner critic isn’t the enemy – it’s a learned strategy that once tried to help us fit in or stay protected.

Later in this series, we’ll explore how the part of us that delivers the critic’s message is often that same child part – the one who learned how to stay “right” with the adults around them. When we see it that way, it makes sense that attacking or silencing the critic doesn’t help; understanding and compassion do.

Recognising Your Own Inner Critic

Everyone’s inner critic sounds a little different. You might notice it:

• As a constant stream of negative self-talk.

• As physical tension or dread before doing something new.

• As a sense that “nothing I do is ever enough.”

A useful first step is simply to notice when it appears and how it speaks.
You might ask yourself:

• “What tone does this voice use?”

• “Who does it remind me of?”

• “What is it trying to protect me from?”

Sometimes we also “hand our critic to other people.”
When we believe others are judging or rejecting us, it can actually be our own self-judgment being projected outward. We imagine that others see us the way our inner critic does.
Recognising this can be freeing – it reminds us that not every feeling of being judged reflects reality, and that much of the harshness we experience comes from within rather than from those around us.

Approaching the inner critic with curiosity rather than judgment can start to shift the dynamic.

Why This Work Matters

The way we speak to ourselves profoundly affects our emotional wellbeing and our relationships.
When we’re constantly self-critical, it can be hard to trust others’ care or believe in our own worth.
Therapy can offer a space to slow down and listen to this voice with compassion – to understand its roots and gently loosen its hold.

Many people find that through counselling or psychotherapy, they can begin to relate to themselves in a kinder, more balanced way.
As this happens, life can start to feel more spacious and less driven by fear or self-blame.

A Gentle Reflection

If you feel ready, take a quiet moment this week to notice when your inner critic speaks up.
Instead of trying to silence it, you might say to yourself:

“I hear you. You’re worried I’ll get hurt or fail. Thank you – but I’m safe now.”

This kind of gentle acknowledgement can be a small but powerful act of self-care.

Looking Ahead

In the next post in this series, we’ll explore how to listen to your inner critic with compassion – learning to understand its message without letting it control you.

In my counselling and psychotherapy practice in Newcastle upon Tyne, I help people explore where their inner critic comes from and how to soften its voice.
Together, we can create a calm, confidential space to reconnect with the parts of you that long to be understood and treated with kindness.