Part 2 of the Inner Critic Series
If you read Part 1 of this series, you’ll already know that the inner critic isn’t something that appeared out of nowhere. It developed in response to our early experiences – often shaped not just by what was said to us, but by what we concluded about ourselves as children.
“I must be unloveable.”
“I’m too much.”
“I have to be good to be safe.”
By adulthood, that voice can feel relentless. And understandably, many people want to get rid of it altogether.
But there is another way – one that doesn’t involve battling yourself.
Why Fighting the Inner Critic Often Makes It Louder
It’s very human to respond to the inner critic with anger or shame:
- “Just shut up.”
- “Why am I like this?”
- “I hate this part of me.”
But here’s the paradox: the more aggressively we attack the critic, the more entrenched and defensive it often becomes. That’s because the part of us that delivers the criticism is usually not an enemy, it’s a younger, protective part that learned how to stay safe in a difficult emotional environment.
This part learned:
- how to monitor,
- how to anticipate rejection,
- how to stay “right” with important adults.
So when it criticises you now, it’s often trying – clumsily, painfully – to protect you from danger, rejection, or abandonment.
That’s why compassion changes everything.
What It Means to Listen with Compassion (and What It Doesn’t)
Listening with compassion does not mean:
- agreeing with the critic,
- letting it run your life,
- or justifying the harm it causes.
It means recognising:
“Something in me learned this for a reason.”
Compassion allows you to be curious instead of punitive.
Instead of:
- “What’s wrong with me?”
You might gently ask:
- “What is this part afraid would happen if it didn’t speak up?”
- “When did I first learn to feel this way about myself?”
- “What is this voice trying to protect me from?”
The tone matters as much as the words. This is not an interrogation – it’s a listening.
We’re Not Trying to Erase the Critic — We’re Growing a Stronger Voice Alongside It
One of the most misunderstood ideas about inner critic work is that the goal is to get rid of it. As if one day it will simply vanish.
In reality, that old voice usually softens not because it is defeated – but because something truer and steadier grows stronger beside it.
The inner critic carries old information – beliefs that once helped a child survive:
- “I’m only safe if I don’t make mistakes.”
- “If I upset people, I’ll be abandoned.”
- “Love has to be earned.”
Those messages once had meaning. They belonged to a nervous system doing its very best to cope.
But you are no longer that powerless child.
So the work is not to silence the old voice by force, but to introduce new information that your system can slowly learn to trust:
- “I am safe now.”
- “I am a good person.”
- “I deserve respect.”
- “I don’t have to be perfect to belong.”
At first, this new voice may feel faint, unfamiliar, or even false. That’s completely normal. The nervous system tends to trust what is familiar long before it trusts what is kind.
Over time, with repetition, emotional safety, and relationship, the compassionate voice doesn’t need to argue with the critic. It simply becomes more believable.
And when that happens, the old messages no longer need to shout so loudly.
When the Critic Feels Like It’s Coming from Other People
A common experience is feeling as though:
- people are judging you,
- disapproving of you,
- thinking badly of you.
Very often, what’s happening here is projection – where the inner critic’s voice is unconsciously “given” to others. It can feel as though the criticism is coming from the outside, when in fact it is echoing from within.
This can deeply affect:
- relationships,
- confidence,
- emotional safety with others.
Learning to recognise this process can be incredibly freeing. It helps you begin to separate:
- what is actually happening now
from - what was learned long ago.
A Simple First Practice: Noticing Without Arguing
You don’t need to change the critic straight away. A powerful first step is simply noticing it with kindness.
You could try:
- Naming it quietly when it appears: “Ah, hello… there you are.”
- Placing a hand on your body and taking one slow breath.
- Acknowledging: “This is a protective part of me, even if it hurts.”
This shifts you from being inside the criticism to being in relationship with it.
And that changes things.
How Therapy Can Help
Listening to the inner critic with compassion is often very difficult to do alone — especially when that voice is rooted in painful early experiences, attachment wounds, or relational trauma.
In my psychotherapy and counselling work in Newcastle upon Tyne, I help clients to:
- gently understand where their inner critic comes from,
- develop a kinder, steadier inner voice,
- and begin to feel safer in themselves and in relationships.
This work often has a profound impact on:
- self-esteem,
- emotional regulation,
- anxiety,
- and relational patterns.
You don’t need to silence yourself to find peace. You need to be heard safely.
Coming Next in the Series
In Part 3, we’ll explore:
How the inner critic shows up in relationships — and how it can quietly shape closeness, conflict, and emotional safety.
If you’d like support with your inner world, your relationships, or your emotional wellbeing, you’re very welcome to get in touch to explore counselling or psychotherapy with me in Newcastle upon Tyne.
